Surreal
Dreamt last nite.. surreal... that ex-M sent me an email and said something like can i blog something else beside those about P? cos reading them is boring...
Duh... dreams imitating close to reality?
Hi, my darling..
More than a month has passed, but still, never a day has gone by without me thinking of me. I wish I could stop but I can't. So many of little things remind me of us, and the days we spent happily together. Starbucks, where we had our after-work dates, Andersen's downstairs, Gelare, Bakerzin where we lunched a few times, San Fran Coffee, Millenia Fc, Esplanade, Mt. Faber, the song "Promiscuous Girl" with your "Rusty Boy". Even 1-time places like Wheelock Coffee Bean, Lido, MacRitchie, Palawan Beach, never fails to make to feel the pang when I walked past. Even whenever I take a ride past your apt, I never fail to look out and see whether there are lights on and that's sad, cos I don't even know which unit is yours, other than it's on the top floor. I miss you, so much. Have I mentioned that I just hate weekends nowadays? Cos it means I won't get to catch glimpses of you accidentally. It somehow distresses me when I do get to see you, more so if you are talking to another woman, even if there is nothing going on between the 2 of you. And it also hurts when I have to pretend to be normal seeing you, maybe talking to you, and discussing you with other people. But if I don't see you, I miss you so much I want to go to the places you frequent just so I could. It saddens just how I now have to rely on mutual friends and colleagues to get updates on you. I miss your wicked sense of humour, your playfuless, your standoffishness, how you suffer no fools, your arrogance, your disregard for other people's perceptions of you. Even your vanity which amuses me to no end, even it is quite dumbfounding. You don't like to wear glasses, preferring to being half-blind, yet you like how your wrinkles make you look older than you really are. How proud you are that Cannavaro is from the same hometown as you, and Madonna once wore a shirt which said "Italians do it the best". Those are not your good points, I know, but it endeared me to you. Then there is your ambition and hardworking attitude, it tires and stresses you out. You'd skipped lunch and dinner, but you still perserveres.. Even now, I worry about you even though you have others to worry the same about you. It devastate me to imagine how this other woman is stepping into my shoes. Maybe making you feel that elusive, everlasting love that you once felt with me for that short while. Most of all, I miss the way you held my hand, kisses my fingers and palms. Those tender looks you gave me, how you held me close to you. You'd take my hands and rub it over your rough whiskers, so that when I missed you soon after we parted, I only need to sniff at my hands to smell your after-shave. Although I always complained about your whiskers burning my lips, the kisses were wonderful and you did try to always shave being meeting me. Missed those quiet moments when you sent me home, how you held me close to me and kissed my temple. How you made me feel so loved. Then whenever you couldn't out-talk me, or didn't know what to say, you'd say "Well, well." Which probably meant anything, everything, or nothing and I'll always teased you "Well well, what?" And when you got exasperatd with me, you'd just grabbed me, my chin and kissed me to silence. I love you, darling. Despite my cautiousness, and skeptism, I fell hard for you. Remembered how I kept asking how things could work out between us when we are so different? You said you'll have the rest of your lifetime to prove me wrong. You said you haven't felt the same way with me as other girls for such a long time. So what happened? If I was so important to you, as you'd said, how could you give up and move on so easily? You just destroyed my faith and trust. I meant it when I said I don't think the worst of you. There is just so much feelings churned up inside of me, but there is no hatred, detest, nor disgust. Maybe it would have been better for me, being less sentimental and soft. But I couldn't get tougher. Much as I hope we could get back together, I know we won't have that chance. Maybe you've felt betrayed and angry that I had broken up with you with all the efforts you'd put in. You couldn't forgive what you feel is my distrust in you. Or simply said, you just don't want a r/ship that requires so much effort at your end. Friends said I deserves better than you, but it is only you I want. Pathetic, I am.
How can I get over you? You've caused me to lose faith in r/ship so now, it's harder for me to bounce back and give myself and others the chance. If miracles do happen, which they don't, I don't see how we can be together in the long term without causing more hurt between us cos we are just 2 very different people with differing needs, wants, and opinions.
How do I end this letter to you? I have no idea... Valentine's Day is coming up, and 5 days after, your birthday. Once I have great plans, but now they are shattered...
I mean it when I said I don't think the worst, no hatred, detest nor disgust. Do I wish you the best? Truth is, I wish you are as miserable as me but I do know you won't. Cos you are too busy and preoccupied with work and other companions to be.
So..................... my darling, this is all of my confessions to you.... And I don't know what else to do now, except continuing to feel this way indefinitely..........
1more day to a month..
since we broke up.. never thought it is possible to still hurt over such a short r/ship, despite my caution against falling for someone so dubious and different from me.. I know that he has since moved on very fast to the woman that works around the same area.. Probably, they've been in contact all the while..
I had wondered if I would be excited or frustrated that he would be on the same flight to HCM.. Wondered if he would ignore me, or say hello.. As it turned out, I wondered whether he purposely ignored me.. cos we were having breakfast at the cafe, when he walked around our table to order food.. V was sure he saw me and chose to ignore me, but I know how blind he could be, not wearing glasses.. but at this close distance, maybe he did.. and it hurts...
Already, I was feeling the ache of seeing him arriving with a Filippino/Indonesia looking woman and not the same one whom he is seeing from around our office.. They arrived first, & my heart sank when I saw them only pulling 1 lugguge, and thought they are travelling together. And not only that, for them to share a lugguge, it could mean they are living together... She wasn't that pretty, and was hanging on to his arm.. I resented seeing her, feeling that it should hv been me holding his hand, being that close to him...
Sigh, her type.. once they manage to find someone like him, would hold on tight for keeps.. and they have the wiles and really know how to attract men.. and keep them interested... submissive, passionate, wild... hanging on to his every word, never mind if she understands or even on the same wavelength as him.. maybe he does prefer to this kind of partner who caters to his every whim and fancy, and knows how to make him feel like a king... How can I compare?? Gosh, she was just there to hv breakfast together before sending him off!
In any case, both him and the friend failed to see me even when I thought we were at a prominent place. I thought it would be gracious to say hello to them, as after all, we are all colleagues so I walked up to them... B was surprised to see me whereas P, hmm I just couldn't know if he was too... Anyway, by going up, I'm forcing him to acknowledge me and also to show that I'm not bearing any hostility to him...
He looked really good in his shirt and newly cut hair... Missed just being able to look at him directly, which I tried not to, mostly focusing talking to B... He slouched in the chair with his arms crossed which was definitely a defensive gesture...
B asked a few questions about the destination. He smiled slightly and the only question he asked was when we are returning to SG. Of course, I can guess he wanted to find if we are also on the same returning flight...
On the small craft, they sat a few rows ahead of us. Surreptiously, I tried to glance at him a few times. Many times, only managed to view the top of his head & side profile. Sigh, I still do miss him... During alighting, he was standing up waiting to get off the flight... He glanced back, and looked away when seeing him looking back at him...
At the HMC customs, he checked out first but had to wait for B who, together with me, was held by the queue cos we were both bemused as to which counters were opened. Cos the officers kept walking around, some were sitting there but didn't seem to be doing their job.
So he was there waiting ahead in front of me. I was exasperated and somewhat amused at the confused situation. I looked at him in exasperation and impatience. To my gratification, he responded and smiled back... Maybe it would hv been better if he ignored me, but my heart lifted upon seeing his smile...
Friends told me not to think so much about him as he's not worth it.. is so easy to say.. I don't mean they didn't hv my welfare at heart. Just that most of them are married or attached, they couldn't know my loneliess or pain..
Maybe I'm being too sentimental, and non-judgemental. It would certainly be easier to get over him if I hate him or judge him. But I couldn't, just as I had told him too when he confronted me abt telling his colleague why I expected him not to say anything to his team-members about our break-up. When he said I would think the worst of him, I replied that I don't. I'm just sad that he would think the worst of me by making him look bad in front of his friends...
He sort of denied being with another woman whilst seeing him, and my friends were welcome to confront him. I told him they would hv done more than confront him, and it didn't matter cos I saw the picture. In any case, I also said it shouldn't matter what people thought of him, since he's never cared before, and why start now... I just hoped we could still be cordial to each other.
His last email was that it seemed it really doesn't matter anymore, and of course, he hoped to be cordial.. I wasn't sure what was the 'it' that doesn't matter... But cordial, he couldn't pull it off, seeing how cool he was at the airport...
I just still miss him. A lot. Feel like telling him, but what is the point? Is sacrificing my pride worth the pain of having him ignoring me?
20 Dec 2006
He wanted to meet me for coffee before I went home. Little did I know later it'll be our last friendly meeting. He was tired, & looking run down.. Somehow gotten to talking about closing his shop. He was frustrated he just don’t hv enough time to run it properly. Thought he may close it down if he gets busier this year, which he would be since he'll be transferring to another team. Also mentioned he felt bad for being unfair to me so far, cos he had little time for me. I thought to myself, finally, he realised it. Asked whether he feels like breaking up, he said no, he didn’t want to…
Think it would help to get over him, once I've purged out all these good memories??
13 Dec 2006
Ladies Nite… Supposed to sign up for Gal Power at Jiiterbugs with V & her friend.. But once again, the class was full.. Got my backpack with my gym stuff in it, & was carrying it around the whole day.. Also a Mango shopping bag as I bought 2 jackets at the sale.. Since couldn’t go direct to class, called him & asked whether he wanted to meet..
He and the guys are at Bala, having drinks at the bar counter outside.. Rarely are they all in town, hence when they do, they'll go drinking and partying together.. So I trot on to Bala, with my unglam backpack & big plastic bag… Chatted with them awhile, C from Aussie team joined us a bit later, & she was surprised why I was with them.. Me & P played it cool, but after a while, he was restless & his hand slide over to hold mine.. Didn’t care whether C saw us…
Drank for an hr there before proceeding to this outdoor pizza place at Chjimes.. He was smug cos the other guys were sweating thru their shirts after the long walk, whereas he was dry.. Smirked that was the reason why he always wore a singlet inside… Could tell he was really relaxed enjoying himself.. Kept close the whole nite, if there was any doubt that we weren't together, look at his playful hands…
Halfway thru, it rained really heavily.. Really enjoyed the guys' antic.. The deskhead, who is this very gay (meaning both fun & almost 'gay') Italian, was fooling around like a clown.. Imagine a man in this position so undignified as to grab & kiss the head of this other guy who works for him.. Somehow they got into tussling, & were so wild that his chair flipped over & he almost fell onto the wet ground.. He also tried to pick up this Malay waitress.. Actually hugged her & said he's scared of the rain & thunder.. The girl was quite unimpressed, told him off & told him to get back to his seat.. Unperturbed, he widened his eyes innocently at her, kept hugging her, and said "you sounded like my mama, are u a mama?" Hahaha…
Will miss hanging out with them….
They still went to Brix after that, but P wanted to go home to change 1st.. Teased that he is so vain but he just said he'll feel very uncomfy wearing the same stuff the whole day already.. I told him that the cab shall drop him off 1st before sending me home, but no, he wanted to see me home 1st.. Nvm, he'll reach hm later & having to go out again..
29 Nov 2006
Had drinks to celebrate my birthday at The Breeze at Scarlett Hotel, one of his fave hangouts with the guys. He said it's bad luck to wish advance happy birthday for his customs. But I told him, in some parts of the world, is already 30 Nov. He then asked we are in S'pore.. :X Gave me a pair of earrings, each side a row of 4 small diamonds bought on his biz trip in Zurich. Jokingly, I asked whether it was crystal. He looked insulted & said when he decided to buy it, his sister (who was shopping with him) asked whether he was sure he wanted to buy it. Perhaps he's hinting to me it cost quite a few bucks. When I asked, he simply said it's the thought that matters… He always said that whenever he did something or bought stuff for me..
14 Nov 2006
Got back at Changi from Brisbane trip. Met him at the airport as he was flying out the same night for his biz trip. Too short a time, we only hugged & kissed before he had to check in.. Good that couple of days earlier, he had called me whilst I was still there.. We chatted awhile as I told him about my colls' nice beachfront apt.
He tended to call me when I'm overseas. Cos he also called a few times when I was in Turkey & he was in Europe. When I was going to sleep & when I was on the tour bus.. We joked "So near, yet so far. But finally same time-zone." He was non-plussed when I said I took many pics with good-looking turkish guys, & next time we'll hv a competition to see who can take more pictures with the opposite sex. Which was what my new friend on the tour group was doing with her boyfriend in Tibet. P was so sure he'll win if he goes BKK or JKT, & all would be pretty gals.. :P
That month, my HP bill was close to $200. When I asked for his reimbursement, his eyes widen & told me his personal calls in total was close to $1000, so I shouldn’t dare to ask him to pay mine.. Then got into a little tiff abt how I can place the value of $$ over talking to him… Jokingly…
Late Oct/Early Nov:
Was angry at him this sat. Was supposed to go out together, but he didn’t respond to my msg the whole morning. Finally, after I pushed him, he replied where and when to meet. Wore this white tube with orangy-yellow hawaiian flowers with a princess sass behind… he was wearing this thin white shirt, v transparent…
Was still fuming when we met up at Vivocity.. Argued back when he tried explaining, he got exasperated & tried to pinch my lips together with his fingers. But I still out-talked him.. Ha! Didn’t had breakky nor lunch, had early dinner at Spizza at Harbourfront, we were both impatient with the crowds at Vivo..
Proceeded to Loof in the evening for drinks.. One of those dates when he was free to spend most of half a day with me.. Laid on the sofa seats, he tried to take a video clip of me, but I avoided & forced him to erase…
Oct 2006
Sadly can't rem the exact date now. This time, he was back from a 2 & a half weeks biz trip. Again, we met late after 8pm the same day he was back in SG in the morning. I was on leave, & we decided to meet at Esplanade outdoors near the performance stage.. It was dark, as usual, he didn’t wear his glasses. Remembered the red top with the v-neck (which I thought was quite low) I was wearing..
His face lit up when he saw me. We walked toward each other, & hugged. It was such a nice hug after not seeing each other for such a long time. Then he took my hand & pulled me toward the taxi stand. I asked where he is taking me, & he said he's kidnapping me. He hoped I had something to eat and not hungry. And his own hunger was for something else. Ended up at Mt. Faber, we talked, kissed & cuddled for more than 2 hrs. Missed each other so much…
One Sunday late Sep 2006
My brother was out, so I took his car & we drove in to Palawan beach together. Picked him up at Great World as he needed to visit his shop awhile. Weather wasn’t so sunny, bit drizzly. Spent the early afternoon there lazing together on the beach.. Nice.. I was shy having to strip down to the bikini bottoms, & pointed to him my cellulites. To make me feel comfy, he also showed me his, around the waist…
I knew that day he gets v ticklish at the sole of his feet, not his ribs.. & blowing at his ear turned him on.. he warned me not to do that, unless I want 'trouble' with him...
Alas, he had a house visit to some Malay friends in the evening, hence we left earlier than I wanted.
He laughed whenever I mumbled to myself not to stop the car on an upslope.. Other than that, he said my driving is okay… & declined my offer to let him drive…
Late Sep 2006...
We met after work at Esplanard. Rather, I knocked off earlier, while he worked till around 7.30pm so I waited for him awhile. We both opted to skip dinner, and walked toward Marina South. Walked a while & found a pavilion to sit down to talk.. Those days, he certainly didn’t mind talking.. Made me sat on his lap, an uncomfortable position but I didn’t mind cos we could get closer. Liked to touch his hair at the back, soft and the curls winding around my fingers.
Said he has things to tell him, I sat back at another stone stool and looked at him. He held my hand, & looked very uncomfortable. Looked at me, looked away.. Finally, he told me it seemed he has, fallen, in love with me.. I asked him if he is sure cos we've hardly known each other that well. He said he's had experience & enough r/ships to know he is serious about us, & this is for real. I told him I don’t hv the same feelings for him yet, as it's still such an early stage of our r/ship. He said is ok, maybe someday I will love him back.
Then on, when we went out, he'd sometimes break out into a little song "nobody loves me, nobody wants me.. " Yah, right.. I always ignored him..
Memories... 12 Sep 2006
Met him at bugis after 8pm after work. He came back from block leave & touched down in SG around 7.30am, would go home to freshen before going to work without sleeping off the jet lag. It always take him about 3-4 days to recover, hence when I met him at night, he would hv gone 24hrs without sleep. And always he looked so tired & haggard. Decided to go to Hong Kong café along Liang Seah Street for dinner.. He didn’t like Chinese food but went along with my choice..
We were chatting and catching up with what he did when he went home for block. More often than not, he goes to the beach which is an hr's drive from his family home. And he went baking in the sun the whole day, no sunscreen or any other protection. Sms me every day without fail. 1st day at the beach, he was asked to be a judge for the bikini contest. He asked me whether I allow him to do so, & I told him so long he's only judging & not touching..
The sms came in even when he was driving back & fro. Sms me when he woke up in the morning, & before he went to bad I asked whether his sisters & other relatives asked him how come he's always messaging. He said yes, they teased him quite a bit. And his mum asked how come he's not getting a nice local gal, to which he retorted, he got one already & he divorced her!!
Back at the café, I asked whether or not we are official. He looked at me in puzzlement "of course, we are." He's assuming all the times we hv sms each other during his block leave sealed our status. I went "No, u hv to ask me officially." So he held my hand, and asked "so are we officially together?" I said yes, we select 5 Sep as the official date & the date we met after work before he went on his block and also it is S's bd & easy to remember, or 12 Sep which was this date. He was like anything, so 5 Sep 2006 it is…
Gave me stuff that he bought for me.. A white tailored shirt which fit me perfectly, good eye since he's in the biz. And also a white sweatshirt.. Since I told him I liked milk chocolates with nuts, he also bought 5 blocks of them with hazelnuts. Uninspiringly, I joked I don’t need to hv 5 blocks of the same flavour.. But guess he really didn’t know what else to buy..
When l love someone..
There is a lot of things that I can forgive… these few sightings my frens told me only after they knew I broke up with him..
1) One saw him kissing closely another gal in front of Watsons downstairs.. How close? Since his back was to her, she couldn’t see very well.
2) Another 2 colls saw him walking or talking to a gal, his hand behind her back.. You may think is nothing, but earlier on in our r/ship, he had asked me whether I mind other guys putting their hand behind my back. When I said I don’t mind, he said he minds cos he is a guy and he knows of their intentions when they touch a gal, even something as 'innocent' as a hand behind their back. Hence, I told him "Fine, then I don’t let them touch me." And he agrees fair's fair, he also won't touch other gals. When they throw themselves at him, he will move away..
So I was just so pissed off when my colls told me about this 3rd incident… and that's how I managed to get over him quickly..
3) Guy friend was walking towards the driveway dialling for cab, was late after-office hours.. Saw him walking with another gal towards one of the benches.. At first, he thought it was me. They sat down and the gal lean closely to him. Before his very eyes, his hand snaked around her and 'toot toot' sqeezed her boob twice… My friend was so shocked and wanted to take pictures with his hp, but was too slow. Also didn’t hv my hp number hence couldn’t call me so that I can call the snake back immediately to shock him. Guy friend didn’t know how to tell me, cos it was close to my birthday and he didn’t want to spoil my mood..
All above happened whilst we were still a couple.. Incident 1 & 2, never mind cos were not so serious.. I could still give him the benefit of the doubts, that some man could hv that one special ONE and still flirt with other gals.. Heck, he's an ang moh, and worst, an Italian, proud of his heritage and that Madonna once wore a shirt that said "Italians do it the best."
Fine, so he broke his promise, but… what AUDACITY!!!! If you want to hanky panky with another gal, go find some secret private corner. NOT in the open, at the lobby of our offices, where anyone and everyone going home can see … What total disregard for me!!!! B**T**D… Luckily, I insisted we kept our r/ship private, else…. *Shudder..
He is not even half the man I thought I love.. And if he is the man I love, I can forgive him that.. But never, can I forget that he not only broke his promise, but he broke it in the worst possible way, without thought, without consideration to me, the women he claimed was so impt to him, whom he loves, whom he would spend his lifetime convincing he's my THE ONE… When I broke up with him, my heart was really aching like a piece of it is gone.. Couldn’t eat well, couldn’t sleep well, tears spent thinking of him so much since before Xmas.. But now I know this, the ache is gone..
I would always regret that this could hv been a wonderful r/ship if he was really as sweet as he was when we first got together.. Really I just wanted to show him all the love and care that I had for him.. The "what it could hv been".. The daydreams about meeting his huge family in Napoli during our block leave together, staying with his own apt at the top floor of his family's house.. So easy to remember the times when he was the pretended Prince Charming, missing him so much, so sweet and loving, teasing and tender. So hard to remember how bad he treated me. And when I remembered the real him, I wish he had never thought to try out a r/ship with me, and had just left me alone.. Feeling of emptiness..
Alas… hope there is someone better out there for me, and find him soon to replace the memories.. I worry about how superficial I hv become, and how I can find someone with such high standards, the looks, the money, the status (without the bad characteristics)… Cannot just settle for a normal Chinese man, I really worry…
Lot 62
Stepped out to the temple earlier to pray for peace of mind. Then i kneel to draw the lots, asking whether he is the one for me. Lot 62 dropped out.
It is a good lot, which goes something like " patience to wait, benefactor will come along, all will calm."
So now i wait..
????
Said he was sorry for ruining my year-end festivities and never meant to do that. Doesn’t want to talk, cos he feels is a dead-end. So he said stick to my initial short hammering message which is "Let's break up." Then I asked why doesn’t he focus on the subsequent 2 long msgs later about my feelings for him. Pls, let us talk. He replied "prefer not to."
What about my preference?
Told him I love him. That he has always been honest with me, so I will honestly tell him that.
Told him to only throw this r/ship away only if he has no more feelings for us.
No reply from him.
Doesn’t get it anymore. Really does his type take love so lightly as the Asian counterparts? Those things he said to me before are??
1) Hope I will be the last bf to meet your parents, when you feel I am the right one.
2) Haye you in my heart.
3) No guest, hopefully just me and you. (This, when he was renovating the top floor of his parents' house in Italy for himself).
4) Hope to add more positive points. Not rushing, have the rest of his lifetime for me to add positive points.
5) You have and are everything a guy could wish for, can’t really say the same for myself. And honestly, this scares me a bit.
6) I will really try to make it happen because after a long time I have someone special, someone I feel for in my life. (It - being making our r/ship last forever)
7) Looks like you were more successful to get into my heart, my mind and my dreams than me getting into yours. Nevermind, will keep trying.
8) Just wish you know my feelings are sincere and true. Kiss you goodnight and sorry for everything.
9) I must have really fallen in love with you now…
10) Meaning that if I was already not with you, I would be with another gal now (he was in Bangkok leisure trup). Instead, I'm happily chatting with my friends and not having any naughty thoughts or intentions cos, I have fallen in love with you.
11) Kiss you goodnight. If you were here… Just wish you to know that I really feel for you.
12) You are very precious to me so waiting is no issue my dear. (This when I told him I wasn’t ready for physical intimacy)
13) I truly wish that I can make you happy. And honestly one of my fears is what if I can’t meet your expectations.
14) You might be right, but my feelings wise, I am already too deeply involved not to think about it. (this when I told him I feel we are not right for each other.)
15) Don’t expect you to be in love with me at this stage. Just wish you will be one day.
So with all those above that he has said to me, and now this.. The silence he kept when I asked him to talk to me.. How can I bear to let things go? Let this r/ship go? At least if he is nasty with me and tells me he doesn’t love me anymore, but he doesn’t. If he is being such a dasturdly playboy, then he should be blunt about it..
Why???
