The Meak Muses

1more day to a month..

since we broke up.. never thought it is possible to still hurt over such a short r/ship, despite my caution against falling for someone so dubious and different from me.. I know that he has since moved on very fast to the woman that works around the same area.. Probably, they've been in contact all the while..

I had wondered if I would be excited or frustrated that he would be on the same flight to HCM.. Wondered if he would ignore me, or say hello.. As it turned out, I wondered whether he purposely ignored me.. cos we were having breakfast at the cafe, when he walked around our table to order food.. V was sure he saw me and chose to ignore me, but I know how blind he could be, not wearing glasses.. but at this close distance, maybe he did.. and it hurts...

Already, I was feeling the ache of seeing him arriving with a Filippino/Indonesia looking woman and not the same one whom he is seeing from around our office.. They arrived first, & my heart sank when I saw them only pulling 1 lugguge, and thought they are travelling together. And not only that, for them to share a lugguge, it could mean they are living together... She wasn't that pretty, and was hanging on to his arm.. I resented seeing her, feeling that it should hv been me holding his hand, being that close to him...

Sigh, her type.. once they manage to find someone like him, would hold on tight for keeps.. and they have the wiles and really know how to attract men.. and keep them interested... submissive, passionate, wild... hanging on to his every word, never mind if she understands or even on the same wavelength as him.. maybe he does prefer to this kind of partner who caters to his every whim and fancy, and knows how to make him feel like a king... How can I compare?? Gosh, she was just there to hv breakfast together before sending him off!

In any case, both him and the friend failed to see me even when I thought we were at a prominent place. I thought it would be gracious to say hello to them, as after all, we are all colleagues so I walked up to them... B was surprised to see me whereas P, hmm I just couldn't know if he was too... Anyway, by going up, I'm forcing him to acknowledge me and also to show that I'm not bearing any hostility to him...

He looked really good in his shirt and newly cut hair... Missed just being able to look at him directly, which I tried not to, mostly focusing talking to B... He slouched in the chair with his arms crossed which was definitely a defensive gesture...

B asked a few questions about the destination. He smiled slightly and the only question he asked was when we are returning to SG. Of course, I can guess he wanted to find if we are also on the same returning flight...

On the small craft, they sat a few rows ahead of us. Surreptiously, I tried to glance at him a few times. Many times, only managed to view the top of his head & side profile. Sigh, I still do miss him... During alighting, he was standing up waiting to get off the flight... He glanced back, and looked away when seeing him looking back at him...

At the HMC customs, he checked out first but had to wait for B who, together with me, was held by the queue cos we were both bemused as to which counters were opened. Cos the officers kept walking around, some were sitting there but didn't seem to be doing their job.

So he was there waiting ahead in front of me. I was exasperated and somewhat amused at the confused situation. I looked at him in exasperation and impatience. To my gratification, he responded and smiled back... Maybe it would hv been better if he ignored me, but my heart lifted upon seeing his smile...

Friends told me not to think so much about him as he's not worth it.. is so easy to say.. I don't mean they didn't hv my welfare at heart. Just that most of them are married or attached, they couldn't know my loneliess or pain..

Maybe I'm being too sentimental, and non-judgemental. It would certainly be easier to get over him if I hate him or judge him. But I couldn't, just as I had told him too when he confronted me abt telling his colleague why I expected him not to say anything to his team-members about our break-up. When he said I would think the worst of him, I replied that I don't. I'm just sad that he would think the worst of me by making him look bad in front of his friends...

He sort of denied being with another woman whilst seeing him, and my friends were welcome to confront him. I told him they would hv done more than confront him, and it didn't matter cos I saw the picture. In any case, I also said it shouldn't matter what people thought of him, since he's never cared before, and why start now... I just hoped we could still be cordial to each other.

His last email was that it seemed it really doesn't matter anymore, and of course, he hoped to be cordial.. I wasn't sure what was the 'it' that doesn't matter... But cordial, he couldn't pull it off, seeing how cool he was at the airport...

I just still miss him. A lot. Feel like telling him, but what is the point? Is sacrificing my pride worth the pain of having him ignoring me?

posted by Meak Meak @ 7:59 PM