Unbreak me...
When can I stop thinking abt him every day? There's no peaceful moment for me, cos my thoughts are still of him, when I have nothing to occupy me.. Often, when I drift to thinking abt him, I tell myself to snap out of it. But during the unguarded moments like when I just wake up in the morning, it doesn't work.
Torn between really wanting to be able to catch a glimpse of him, and yet dreading the moment I do…
I'm tired, really tired…
Surreal
Dreamt last nite.. surreal... that ex-M sent me an email and said something like can i blog something else beside those about P? cos reading them is boring...
Duh... dreams imitating close to reality?
Hi, my darling..
More than a month has passed, but still, never a day has gone by without me thinking of me. I wish I could stop but I can't. So many of little things remind me of us, and the days we spent happily together. Starbucks, where we had our after-work dates, Andersen's downstairs, Gelare, Bakerzin where we lunched a few times, San Fran Coffee, Millenia Fc, Esplanade, Mt. Faber, the song "Promiscuous Girl" with your "Rusty Boy". Even 1-time places like Wheelock Coffee Bean, Lido, MacRitchie, Palawan Beach, never fails to make to feel the pang when I walked past. Even whenever I take a ride past your apt, I never fail to look out and see whether there are lights on and that's sad, cos I don't even know which unit is yours, other than it's on the top floor. I miss you, so much. Have I mentioned that I just hate weekends nowadays? Cos it means I won't get to catch glimpses of you accidentally. It somehow distresses me when I do get to see you, more so if you are talking to another woman, even if there is nothing going on between the 2 of you. And it also hurts when I have to pretend to be normal seeing you, maybe talking to you, and discussing you with other people. But if I don't see you, I miss you so much I want to go to the places you frequent just so I could. It saddens just how I now have to rely on mutual friends and colleagues to get updates on you. I miss your wicked sense of humour, your playfuless, your standoffishness, how you suffer no fools, your arrogance, your disregard for other people's perceptions of you. Even your vanity which amuses me to no end, even it is quite dumbfounding. You don't like to wear glasses, preferring to being half-blind, yet you like how your wrinkles make you look older than you really are. How proud you are that Cannavaro is from the same hometown as you, and Madonna once wore a shirt which said "Italians do it the best". Those are not your good points, I know, but it endeared me to you. Then there is your ambition and hardworking attitude, it tires and stresses you out. You'd skipped lunch and dinner, but you still perserveres.. Even now, I worry about you even though you have others to worry the same about you. It devastate me to imagine how this other woman is stepping into my shoes. Maybe making you feel that elusive, everlasting love that you once felt with me for that short while. Most of all, I miss the way you held my hand, kisses my fingers and palms. Those tender looks you gave me, how you held me close to you. You'd take my hands and rub it over your rough whiskers, so that when I missed you soon after we parted, I only need to sniff at my hands to smell your after-shave. Although I always complained about your whiskers burning my lips, the kisses were wonderful and you did try to always shave being meeting me. Missed those quiet moments when you sent me home, how you held me close to me and kissed my temple. How you made me feel so loved. Then whenever you couldn't out-talk me, or didn't know what to say, you'd say "Well, well." Which probably meant anything, everything, or nothing and I'll always teased you "Well well, what?" And when you got exasperatd with me, you'd just grabbed me, my chin and kissed me to silence. I love you, darling. Despite my cautiousness, and skeptism, I fell hard for you. Remembered how I kept asking how things could work out between us when we are so different? You said you'll have the rest of your lifetime to prove me wrong. You said you haven't felt the same way with me as other girls for such a long time. So what happened? If I was so important to you, as you'd said, how could you give up and move on so easily? You just destroyed my faith and trust. I meant it when I said I don't think the worst of you. There is just so much feelings churned up inside of me, but there is no hatred, detest, nor disgust. Maybe it would have been better for me, being less sentimental and soft. But I couldn't get tougher. Much as I hope we could get back together, I know we won't have that chance. Maybe you've felt betrayed and angry that I had broken up with you with all the efforts you'd put in. You couldn't forgive what you feel is my distrust in you. Or simply said, you just don't want a r/ship that requires so much effort at your end. Friends said I deserves better than you, but it is only you I want. Pathetic, I am.
How can I get over you? You've caused me to lose faith in r/ship so now, it's harder for me to bounce back and give myself and others the chance. If miracles do happen, which they don't, I don't see how we can be together in the long term without causing more hurt between us cos we are just 2 very different people with differing needs, wants, and opinions.
How do I end this letter to you? I have no idea... Valentine's Day is coming up, and 5 days after, your birthday. Once I have great plans, but now they are shattered...
I mean it when I said I don't think the worst, no hatred, detest nor disgust. Do I wish you the best? Truth is, I wish you are as miserable as me but I do know you won't. Cos you are too busy and preoccupied with work and other companions to be.
So..................... my darling, this is all of my confessions to you.... And I don't know what else to do now, except continuing to feel this way indefinitely..........
1more day to a month..
since we broke up.. never thought it is possible to still hurt over such a short r/ship, despite my caution against falling for someone so dubious and different from me.. I know that he has since moved on very fast to the woman that works around the same area.. Probably, they've been in contact all the while..
I had wondered if I would be excited or frustrated that he would be on the same flight to HCM.. Wondered if he would ignore me, or say hello.. As it turned out, I wondered whether he purposely ignored me.. cos we were having breakfast at the cafe, when he walked around our table to order food.. V was sure he saw me and chose to ignore me, but I know how blind he could be, not wearing glasses.. but at this close distance, maybe he did.. and it hurts...
Already, I was feeling the ache of seeing him arriving with a Filippino/Indonesia looking woman and not the same one whom he is seeing from around our office.. They arrived first, & my heart sank when I saw them only pulling 1 lugguge, and thought they are travelling together. And not only that, for them to share a lugguge, it could mean they are living together... She wasn't that pretty, and was hanging on to his arm.. I resented seeing her, feeling that it should hv been me holding his hand, being that close to him...
Sigh, her type.. once they manage to find someone like him, would hold on tight for keeps.. and they have the wiles and really know how to attract men.. and keep them interested... submissive, passionate, wild... hanging on to his every word, never mind if she understands or even on the same wavelength as him.. maybe he does prefer to this kind of partner who caters to his every whim and fancy, and knows how to make him feel like a king... How can I compare?? Gosh, she was just there to hv breakfast together before sending him off!
In any case, both him and the friend failed to see me even when I thought we were at a prominent place. I thought it would be gracious to say hello to them, as after all, we are all colleagues so I walked up to them... B was surprised to see me whereas P, hmm I just couldn't know if he was too... Anyway, by going up, I'm forcing him to acknowledge me and also to show that I'm not bearing any hostility to him...
He looked really good in his shirt and newly cut hair... Missed just being able to look at him directly, which I tried not to, mostly focusing talking to B... He slouched in the chair with his arms crossed which was definitely a defensive gesture...
B asked a few questions about the destination. He smiled slightly and the only question he asked was when we are returning to SG. Of course, I can guess he wanted to find if we are also on the same returning flight...
On the small craft, they sat a few rows ahead of us. Surreptiously, I tried to glance at him a few times. Many times, only managed to view the top of his head & side profile. Sigh, I still do miss him... During alighting, he was standing up waiting to get off the flight... He glanced back, and looked away when seeing him looking back at him...
At the HMC customs, he checked out first but had to wait for B who, together with me, was held by the queue cos we were both bemused as to which counters were opened. Cos the officers kept walking around, some were sitting there but didn't seem to be doing their job.
So he was there waiting ahead in front of me. I was exasperated and somewhat amused at the confused situation. I looked at him in exasperation and impatience. To my gratification, he responded and smiled back... Maybe it would hv been better if he ignored me, but my heart lifted upon seeing his smile...
Friends told me not to think so much about him as he's not worth it.. is so easy to say.. I don't mean they didn't hv my welfare at heart. Just that most of them are married or attached, they couldn't know my loneliess or pain..
Maybe I'm being too sentimental, and non-judgemental. It would certainly be easier to get over him if I hate him or judge him. But I couldn't, just as I had told him too when he confronted me abt telling his colleague why I expected him not to say anything to his team-members about our break-up. When he said I would think the worst of him, I replied that I don't. I'm just sad that he would think the worst of me by making him look bad in front of his friends...
He sort of denied being with another woman whilst seeing him, and my friends were welcome to confront him. I told him they would hv done more than confront him, and it didn't matter cos I saw the picture. In any case, I also said it shouldn't matter what people thought of him, since he's never cared before, and why start now... I just hoped we could still be cordial to each other.
His last email was that it seemed it really doesn't matter anymore, and of course, he hoped to be cordial.. I wasn't sure what was the 'it' that doesn't matter... But cordial, he couldn't pull it off, seeing how cool he was at the airport...
I just still miss him. A lot. Feel like telling him, but what is the point? Is sacrificing my pride worth the pain of having him ignoring me?
20 Dec 2006
He wanted to meet me for coffee before I went home. Little did I know later it'll be our last friendly meeting. He was tired, & looking run down.. Somehow gotten to talking about closing his shop. He was frustrated he just don’t hv enough time to run it properly. Thought he may close it down if he gets busier this year, which he would be since he'll be transferring to another team. Also mentioned he felt bad for being unfair to me so far, cos he had little time for me. I thought to myself, finally, he realised it. Asked whether he feels like breaking up, he said no, he didn’t want to…
Think it would help to get over him, once I've purged out all these good memories??
13 Dec 2006
Ladies Nite… Supposed to sign up for Gal Power at Jiiterbugs with V & her friend.. But once again, the class was full.. Got my backpack with my gym stuff in it, & was carrying it around the whole day.. Also a Mango shopping bag as I bought 2 jackets at the sale.. Since couldn’t go direct to class, called him & asked whether he wanted to meet..
He and the guys are at Bala, having drinks at the bar counter outside.. Rarely are they all in town, hence when they do, they'll go drinking and partying together.. So I trot on to Bala, with my unglam backpack & big plastic bag… Chatted with them awhile, C from Aussie team joined us a bit later, & she was surprised why I was with them.. Me & P played it cool, but after a while, he was restless & his hand slide over to hold mine.. Didn’t care whether C saw us…
Drank for an hr there before proceeding to this outdoor pizza place at Chjimes.. He was smug cos the other guys were sweating thru their shirts after the long walk, whereas he was dry.. Smirked that was the reason why he always wore a singlet inside… Could tell he was really relaxed enjoying himself.. Kept close the whole nite, if there was any doubt that we weren't together, look at his playful hands…
Halfway thru, it rained really heavily.. Really enjoyed the guys' antic.. The deskhead, who is this very gay (meaning both fun & almost 'gay') Italian, was fooling around like a clown.. Imagine a man in this position so undignified as to grab & kiss the head of this other guy who works for him.. Somehow they got into tussling, & were so wild that his chair flipped over & he almost fell onto the wet ground.. He also tried to pick up this Malay waitress.. Actually hugged her & said he's scared of the rain & thunder.. The girl was quite unimpressed, told him off & told him to get back to his seat.. Unperturbed, he widened his eyes innocently at her, kept hugging her, and said "you sounded like my mama, are u a mama?" Hahaha…
Will miss hanging out with them….
They still went to Brix after that, but P wanted to go home to change 1st.. Teased that he is so vain but he just said he'll feel very uncomfy wearing the same stuff the whole day already.. I told him that the cab shall drop him off 1st before sending me home, but no, he wanted to see me home 1st.. Nvm, he'll reach hm later & having to go out again..
29 Nov 2006
Had drinks to celebrate my birthday at The Breeze at Scarlett Hotel, one of his fave hangouts with the guys. He said it's bad luck to wish advance happy birthday for his customs. But I told him, in some parts of the world, is already 30 Nov. He then asked we are in S'pore.. :X Gave me a pair of earrings, each side a row of 4 small diamonds bought on his biz trip in Zurich. Jokingly, I asked whether it was crystal. He looked insulted & said when he decided to buy it, his sister (who was shopping with him) asked whether he was sure he wanted to buy it. Perhaps he's hinting to me it cost quite a few bucks. When I asked, he simply said it's the thought that matters… He always said that whenever he did something or bought stuff for me..
