Hi, my darling..
More than a month has passed, but still, never a day has gone by without me thinking of me. I wish I could stop but I can't.So many of little things remind me of us, and the days we spent happily together. Starbucks, where we had our after-work dates, Andersen's downstairs, Gelare, Bakerzin where we lunched a few times, San Fran Coffee, Millenia Fc, Esplanade, Mt. Faber, the song "Promiscuous Girl" with your "Rusty Boy".
Even 1-time places like Wheelock Coffee Bean, Lido, MacRitchie, Palawan Beach, never fails to make to feel the pang when I walked past. Even whenever I take a ride past your apt, I never fail to look out and see whether there are lights on and that's sad, cos I don't even know which unit is yours, other than it's on the top floor.
I miss you, so much. Have I mentioned that I just hate weekends nowadays? Cos it means I won't get to catch glimpses of you accidentally. It somehow distresses me when I do get to see you, more so if you are talking to another woman, even if there is nothing going on between the 2 of you. And it also hurts when I have to pretend to be normal seeing you, maybe talking to you, and discussing you with other people. But if I don't see you, I miss you so much I want to go to the places you frequent just so I could. It saddens just how I now have to rely on mutual friends and colleagues to get updates on you.
I miss your wicked sense of humour, your playfuless, your standoffishness, how you suffer no fools, your arrogance, your disregard for other people's perceptions of you. Even your vanity which amuses me to no end, even it is quite dumbfounding. You don't like to wear glasses, preferring to being half-blind, yet you like how your wrinkles make you look older than you really are. How proud you are that Cannavaro is from the same hometown as you, and Madonna once wore a shirt which said "Italians do it the best". Those are not your good points, I know, but it endeared me to you. Then there is your ambition and hardworking attitude, it tires and stresses you out. You'd skipped lunch and dinner, but you still perserveres..
Even now, I worry about you even though you have others to worry the same about you. It devastate me to imagine how this other woman is stepping into my shoes. Maybe making you feel that elusive, everlasting love that you once felt with me for that short while.
Most of all, I miss the way you held my hand, kisses my fingers and palms. Those tender looks you gave me, how you held me close to you. You'd take my hands and rub it over your rough whiskers, so that when I missed you soon after we parted, I only need to sniff at my hands to smell your after-shave. Although I always complained about your whiskers burning my lips, the kisses were wonderful and you did try to always shave being meeting me. Missed those quiet moments when you sent me home, how you held me close to me and kissed my temple. How you made me feel so loved. Then whenever you couldn't out-talk me, or didn't know what to say, you'd say "Well, well." Which probably meant anything, everything, or nothing and I'll always teased you "Well well, what?" And when you got exasperatd with me, you'd just grabbed me, my chin and kissed me to silence.
I love you, darling. Despite my cautiousness, and skeptism, I fell hard for you. Remembered how I kept asking how things could work out between us when we are so different? You said you'll have the rest of your lifetime to prove me wrong. You said you haven't felt the same way with me as other girls for such a long time. So what happened? If I was so important to you, as you'd said, how could you give up and move on so easily? You just destroyed my faith and trust.
I meant it when I said I don't think the worst of you. There is just so much feelings churned up inside of me, but there is no hatred, detest, nor disgust. Maybe it would have been better for me, being less sentimental and soft. But I couldn't get tougher.
Much as I hope we could get back together, I know we won't have that chance. Maybe you've felt betrayed and angry that I had broken up with you with all the efforts you'd put in. You couldn't forgive what you feel is my distrust in you. Or simply said, you just don't want a r/ship that requires so much effort at your end.
Friends said I deserves better than you, but it is only you I want. Pathetic, I am.
How can I get over you? You've caused me to lose faith in r/ship so now, it's harder for me to bounce back and give myself and others the chance. If miracles do happen, which they don't, I don't see how we can be together in the long term without causing more hurt between us cos we are just 2 very different people with differing needs, wants, and opinions.
How do I end this letter to you? I have no idea... Valentine's Day is coming up, and 5 days after, your birthday. Once I have great plans, but now they are shattered...
I mean it when I said I don't think the worst, no hatred, detest nor disgust. Do I wish you the best? Truth is, I wish you are as miserable as me but I do know you won't. Cos you are too busy and preoccupied with work and other companions to be.
So..................... my darling, this is all of my confessions to you.... And I don't know what else to do now, except continuing to feel this way indefinitely..........
posted by Meak Meak @ 3:41 PM
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