Left wide open
I wish that I can just cry when I feel like crying,without having to pretend to be strong.
My tears were shed alone, the 4 walls as cold comfort.
Even as I was working, I was overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness and sadness..
That somehow, I have managed to screw up my life.
How I unwittingly left my heart open,
too weak to say no, and resist.
Don't know how to say no, and be not nice.
I wish I can turn back time,
and push back for a little more space and time.
Friends trying to string us together,
but why would he want,
when what I could do to another, I could also do to him.
Even when we did, it was knowingly that I was not a free person.
Perhaps he could have preferred it like that.
Now that I am free, I can feel it is over,
we have become polite acquaintances.
When we are alone, we make impersonal conversations.
No more hands-held, nor cozy moments.
Missing the special looks he gave me.
When I touched him, he just smiled.
No reciprocration.
Is there a right or wrong way to this?
I wish I can find a dummy book on it.
Should there be a conclusion 'That's it, bye bye."
Or perhaps it is 'to be continued' when the mood strikes.
Has he thought he made it clear in the beginning,
or stubborn me just don't want to see it.
I like him so, but more so, I get reserved.
The feeling I get from him is just friendship, so I get more uptight.
Excruciating in his company, so near yet so far.
Think is over, think is done.
There is no indication there is more.
Am hurt, am upset.
Why it is so easy for me to fall, and difficult for me to recover.
Losing more than I have bargained for.
Hard for him to consider me a choice,
for I'm a toy discarded.
Does he feel any attraction to me at all, or just a outlet for venting?
Why is it so easy for men to take and let go?
Should I believe the divination?
Saying love will come my way,
saying he is the one.
Why is it taking so long? Did I ask correctly?
How to resolve this? I cannot bring myself to tell him.
Because of his proximity. If things go wrong, our paths will still cross many times to come.
Is it retribution, for things I did that I'm not free to do?
But he was at fault too, for pushing in the know.
Maybe it is naught but loneliness,
but is it? When I think of him so much?
Maybe he is not the one for me,
but I hate not to have given it a chance.
Haven't I thought I found the one before, only to be wrong.
Maybe what I think is wrong, could turn to be right.
Can I please be shown a clue?
Or take me out of misery...
posted by Meak Meak @ 1:06 PM
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