The Meak Muses

Heartbreak

Having a achy heart…waiting… on hold… went down with a small package of chocolates as an apology of sorts to him… chocolate auntie was so sure I'll melt his heart when I give it to him.. Stuck a little red rose on the wrap… wrote pages of little post it notes:

A Peace Offering
Pls read now.. (In case he was on the line… while I hv to stand beside him)
It's Boxing Day!
But I'm not here to 'Box' you
Just here to give you a 'Box'
'Slient Night' is a Xmas Song
Not to mean we keep silent
I was rash that day
Though it was greatly provocated :P
But I meant what I wrote
On that 2 long subsequent messages
So here's some sweets for my Sweet (bleh.. Bleh.. Bleh)
Hope you'll smile sweetly (or sourly..)
And if you accept this mini truce
Send the red rose back to me…

So there I was, asking him for the rose, while he still reading the notes slowly..
He smiled faintly, wryly and reluctantly..
My hand beckoned & pointed to the rose, he went blur and had to reread..
Impatient, I plucked the rose myself.. And asked if we are okay now..

He paused, and said.. "it's so difficult.. On hold…"
At first, I said "fair enough".. But what is on hold?
So I asked again "so what's on hold??"
He said " thought u already said fair enough.."

I shuffled my feet, he didn’t seem inclined to say more..
Sigh… I said "Bye", he said "Bye!"

That night before bed, I msg him " Does on hold means no saying good nite? Good nite anyway, and sleep tight on this cold nite"
He msg me back much later "Goodnite, and have a peaceful sleep"

The next nite, I msg him " Does on hold means no hugs? Give u a warm warm hug. Goodnite :) "
No reply that nite.
Next morning which is yesterday morning, he msg " Good morning. Pls do not plan anything with me this weekend or the holiday. Not good for both of us."
I replied back " Guess not even dinner tmr nite (as I've made reservations at ILLido 2 weeks ago). Had hoped to spend it with you, no hidden agenda. How can I convince you I want this to work out very much?"
No reply.

Does 'on hold' means he doesn’t want conflict to spoil his new year holiday? Keeping me as a spare tyre till he finds someone else? Or thinking of ways to make things work out between us?

What am I to think now? Missing him so much… is like a piece of my heart is cut out.. It would really hurt me if I have any false hope now, only to find later that he feels things cannot be work out, and he has lost feelings for me.. Worse, if he has actually found someone else, and spending the holiday with this someone else.. Having ONS…
Can't push him now, he'll get more stressed.. And I'm afraid of the answer he might give, not the response I want..

Feeling terrible….. Wish I haven't been so rash…

posted by Meak Meak @ 12:46 PM