one of those days
when i suddenly feel so depressed that i have a choice, i'll be at home in bed under the blankets and sulk...first and foremost, i didnt get to see him in the morning... i felt so down i want to crash...
bought myself a bunch of pink roses during lunch to cheer up, didnt help much.. i sit here and want to tear...
why? i always want too much.. a few months ago, i wanted to get him to marry him, settle down and have kids sometime. now, i dont want to get married and i may not want to have kids.. think for him, he plans to marry me 2-3 yrs time, and maybe share the same sentiments on kids.. as he told me, he likes to play with them, but cannot see himself taking care of them.. i think i'm quite a selfish person, cos i dont want the added responsibilities, having to put savings aside to bring them up..
what else can i want? it's just doesnt feel like the aim in life for me is to get settled down and have babies and leave peacefully and happily for the rest of 50-60 yrs..
think there's bit of influence.. i want to skydive, bungee-jump, dance on tabletops, anything to excite and get myself out of the everyday mundane things... yet, without a job, i cant afford them.. and the people around me are too conventional... if i'm to indulge in what i want, they will say i 'mei chu xi', or would have committed what they feel is the greatest sin on earth..
i dont know what work i want, except to maybe join a dance group.. a bartender, maybe... it's just sickening to feel i may be stuck with this project for the rest of my live here.. a project that's surely a career suicide for me...
what now......... think stability bores me, yet it also somehow settles me... is there an in-between?
posted by Meak Meak @ 3:05 PM
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